Primate Pitfalls and Simian No-nos


When discussing music lyrics in an evolutionary context with other primates on the internet, one must keep certain points in mind:

Monkeys, particularly those of the great ape family, often feel slighted and misinterpret your commentary in unforeseen ways. Remember, there is much that a human being takes for granted in conversing digitally with apes—which may not be self-evident to the primate in question. Monkeys and especially the Great Apes will often react with rage when simple responses to their statements (particularly articulate analyses) are made using clear though not necessarily highly academic speech and vocabulary. For example, a simple friendly question such as “Hello there Mr. Chimpanzee, is that a tasty banana you are eating?” may elicit angry grunts and howls of fury due to a simple misunderstanding. A second example is as follows. A male researcher may offer a bit of friendly help to a female Orangutan, and, especially if the ape is attractive, she may fly into a rage and attempt to avenge the perceived affront to her gender by uprooting small trees and beating the male human over the head. Monkeys often mistake use of clear diction and clear sentence formation as a personal attack or an insult to their grammatical prowess. When discussing Darwinian concepts with monkeys, please be careful. Monkeys can bite—and often do when reacting emotionally to arguments that were meant to be informative and of mutual  edification and pleasure. In fact, until you build rapport with an ape, it is probably best to keep the conversation fairly superficial; stuff like “are Queens of the Stone Age better than Chalice of Doom” or “what do you think of Drake’s studio mixing compared to K.R.I.T” ?  Later on in the relationship you can talk evolutionary Darwinistic biology with an ape—but trust through genuine friendship must be gained first. Another important point regards attempting to soothe an upset ape at an internet music forum:  NEVER EVER try to be forgiving and extra-polite when dealing with an enraged simian. This will often compound their emotional frenzy and some monkeys have been known to burst right through your computer screen, fangs frothing and hurling rotten fruit, stones, even their own excrement. If you find yourself in a heated discussion with an insulted primate, it is best to use simple short responses and statements such as  “I hear you bro” or “no problem dude—my bad”.

I hope these basic guidelines for interacting with monkeys and apes at internet music sites will be of use to you. Enjoy all the great music out there, folks. And feel free to share your insights with our friends the wild primates!

( inspired by this great music website )

  chechimp    funny-monkey-1


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