God arose – and wrung His hands.
“Those Calvinists have got it wrong;
my will is shackled by human sin
and their chains are far too strong.
I gave them all free will, it’s true…
some choose to scorn my sacred Word.
I guess I don’t know what to do;
their human plans are undeterred
while my designs are all aborted;
no more need for intake lists.
My plans made void, my Truth distorted
Distressed by celestial impotence
His angels wept and veiled their faces;
for there is nothing God can do
when man His perfect plan effaces.
The Lord continued, in His sorrow
“I’m guilty and my outlook’s narrow
in other words: I’m screwed.
Man is king—while I, poor servant,
exist to bless his mortal dreams.
Genie of the Bible bottle,
I facilitate their schemes.”
God sighed. “Oh that my wisdom could
redeem the lost, and punish sin
but I’m unable to get through.
(Besides, I’m semi-Pelagian.)
Humankind can vote me out,
fashion me anew from clay.
I will evolve to suit their fancy
growing with them day by day.
I want to help them, but it’s hard.
I just can’t do predestination…
Mortals twist my righteous plans
I’m no rigid righteous Sovereign –
don’t believe that Puritan hype.
I’m your life coach, here to offer
I’d love to finish what I started –
but humankind won’t acquiesce.
First I need to ask permission
so our plans might coalesce.
My essential need to please;
(sinful self-important twerplets –
ignorant of my unease…)
Tulip-breeding Dutch reformers
Sottish lairds and heretics
reading the Bible for kicks
will never comprehend my purpose.
I am sworn to placate Man!
Offering my selfless service –
I’m doing the best that I can.
So burn a candle, say a prayer.
Let me prosper, help and bless you.
Intervene? I’d never dare.
I’m mainly here to confess to.